She wants to move somewhere else and start over again where no one knows her past indiscretions. She is quite haunted by the things that she did in the past while manic, and her reputation has followed her, unfortunately. The poor girl. She longs to be accepted for who she is right now, not who she was before she went to the RTC. My heart breaks for her. I want to start over too for her sake. A new job, a new town, a new school, a new neighborhood, a new pool, and even a new church, though we would be very sad to leave our wonderful pastor and friends. But she can't seem to make inroads with the middle school kids because of her past. She is so very lonely that it just doesn't seem fair to make her keep going when it only reminds her of her aloneness.
So many changes ahead. I am overwhelmed by them, until I remember that God is in control and has a plan-- "It is well with my soul."
Our pastor's sermon today was on the problem of suffering and what we do when we are faced with serious trials. The age old question is "If God is loving and sovereign than why do good people suffer?" The answer to this important questions depends on one's world view. I think that there are basically three different views on suffering: "God doesn't exist, so everything is random and has no meaning" "God exists but is distant, not too concerned with us, and just kind of lets things happen as they will, maybe he will answer your prayers, maybe not," or "God is good, loving, personal, and sovereign and all of our trials do have a purpose, which is mainly to draw us to Himself instead of depending on ourselves and our own abilities, or inabilities, to make life work. There is joy in the journey and in the end, He will make all things right."
I know that many of you who read are not of the Christian faith, and honestly, I am honored that you would read this blog, and please know that the intention of my blog is purely to share our struggles and triumphs so others may be encouraged, not to convert anyone. But I am of the last persuasion, that this world is full of struggles, but not without purpose, in the hand of a loving, all knowing, all powerful God. I do believe that God cares about us and our daughter, and has a good plan for her life, but not without valleys. Right now I can see that Caroline is struggling to believe that God cares at all. And if I were her, I am sure I would be questioning too. Not many fourteen year olds have experienced such devastating events as she has, which have also led to social isolation. I want her to know that even when she can't see God's purpose for any of this (I don't either a lot of the time) that He does care, He will carry her, and there will be many joys ahead if she trusts in Him, keeps taking her meds, stays in school, avoids the wrong crowd, and sets goals for herself, like playing college lacrosse. We are looking ahead to high school and probably more trials, perhaps worse, I don't know. But we are committed to her and we believe that God is too.