Not Going to Camp

Caroline took the news about her not going to the camp in Canada really well.  She was relieved actually.  Between the knee surgery and her need for sleep, she was worried that things would go wrong.  We have come up with an alternate plan, which involves the beach, which she is very happy about.  So even though we are losing some money, the peace of mind we have now is worth it.

This is the last week of school.  She is being exempted from her English and Biology final exams.  She has only a big history project to turn in, and a few English assignments and she is done.  I am feeling myself relaxing already.  Like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders now that school is almost done.  Still don't know what we are doing next year.  We need some time to think and pray about it.

The Big "Where Should She Go to School" Decision, Again

Once again, we are not sure where Caroline should go to school next year.  The big public high school hasn't been that great, even with a well-followed IEP.  She is begging me to home school her, but I don't know that I want to.  The other options are the online high school for this district, an alternative school around the corner, or a private, smaller school, likely Christian.  Just praying for direction and wisdom.  This is one of the hardest parts of raising a bp kid, the whole educational aspect.  Nothing seems to be a perfect fit, and sometimes not even a good fit.    I want to do what is best for her academically and socially, but I want it to be best for me too.

Another Crisis, Another Day

This kid is amazingly accident prone!  Two weeks ago she did something to her knee in lacrosse practice, resulting in severe pain and a trip to the ER.  She was given Norco, and a heavy duty knee brace and we waited to get in with the orthopedic doc.  Got the MRI, saw the doc and he says that she nearly dislocated her knee cap, and in doing so, broke off a piece of cartilage under her knee cap, which then moved into her knee joint, causing the severe pain.  She has to have it removed to avoid further damage to her joint.  So she has surgery scheduled May 17th.  In the meantime, she has been home from school while on the narcotic pain meds, and receiving home bound tutoring again, which she hates.  School ends May 24th, and once again she is behind.  She went back to school this morning because the is OK without the heavy duty pain meds and can get by on Tylenol.  

In the midst of this, we have decided not to let her go to the camp in Canada in three weeks that she has been looking forward to all year.  There are just too many risks, especially with her knee, so soon after surgery.  And we realized that in order to get to the camp, she has to be up all night on a red-eye flight, changing planes in the middle of the night, and then transferring to a bus in the middle of the night to connect to a ferry.  Going without sleep is a sure recipe for mania.  That would be a horrible start to a week of camp. She is going to hate us.  But we just can't let her do this.  We are going to come up with an alternate vacation, maybe to a beach.  This year has been such a bummer.   If I could afford to take her to Hawaii, I would, seriously.  She deserves it.

Feeling Like a Failure

Do you ever feel like a failure as a mom?  I am struggling with those feelings this week.  I have been sick for 10 days, and sick enough that I have spent a lot of time in bed, doing nothing, or sitting in front of the T.V. doing nothing.  The house is a mess, the laundry backed up, the fridge was beginning to stink, my papers had exploded everywhere in the kitchen because I started a project and then got sick and couldn't finish.  My kids are frustrated with the mess, even though they help to create it, but my husband is a gem.  I am so glad the kids do their own laundry.  At least that isn't my responsibility. And I did get Caroline to thoroughly clean her room this weekend, which was huge as her room looked like a bomb had gone off in it.

But I think my struggle is deeper than the chaos of the last 10 days.  I sense a lot of disappointment from my younger two, over a lot of things.  Some of it is false expectations that they need to get over, some is legitimate over having a bipolar sister who takes so much attention, but some of it is disappointment with me as their mom.  I haven't always kept my promises.  I have made promises I never should have made.  I have been too harsh at times, and not strict enough at others.  I really wished for the perfect home life for my kids.  And of course perfection is a myth, but I find myself still longing for something I can't have.  

I am thankful that I know God is faithful, when we are faithless.   I know the truth, it is just that sometimes my feelings loom larger.  I just want to be over being sick, and I want to get through the paperwork involved in buying this house we are renting, oh, and doing our taxes, and getting organized enough before school gets out May 28th that the summer won't feel so overwhelming.  

At least Caroline is stable.  I have to say that every day to remind myself of all the blessings that come out of that one thing.

Back to School, Part-Time, Holding Steady

I haven't been writing because I have been sick and before that I was super crazy busy from about mid-March.  Lacrosse season and soccer season are in full swing, so adding the games and practices to our crazy family schedule has put me behind in everything, including doing our taxes!

Caroline has started back to school, one period added each week.  So far the results have been mixed.  Some days she has gotten the migraine aura of the visual disturbances, and some days she hasn't,   while wearing the special prismatic glasses.  I thought this would happen.  I have a feeling that we aren't going to see a miraculous "cure" or perfect solution to her sensitivity to florescent lights, or the projectors.  Not sure at this point of she will finish out school at the public high school this year.  We will see how this week goes.   If we don't see major change, we may just have to homeschool the rest of high school.  I can't even think about what to do about college yet.  One bridge at a time.

She is in heaven with the lacrosse side of things.  She is wearing a rugby helmet, the only one on the team who does.  So far, no injuries, no collisions.  She is making some amazing goals.  We are so proud of her!  We pray that her season continues concussion-free of course.

For those who have commented recently, please know how encouraged I am when you comment here.  I do read them and sometimes I don't have time to reply like I want to.  You are blessing to me and I hope this blog is a blessing to you!  We are in this together!!  For us it has been ten years and God has been so good to bring us stability now for the last four years or so.  I believe this kind of stability can  be found for your child as well, with lots of trial and error and the right help.  It might take years, but I really believe if you keep pursuing and advocating, solutions can be found.  Not a cure, not perfection, not even a truly"normal" child, but a much improved quality of life, for your child, and for your family.

We Missed Her First High School Varsity Game

Yes, my fault.  I messed up the times of the JV and Varsity games.  She scored some amazing goal in the Varsity game apparently.   But they put her in the JV game too so we got to watch her score several goals.  Sigh.  One day I will get it right!

Paralysis

I struggle a lot with feelings of total paralysis.  When you live in a state of constant crisis, not much else gets done.  I ask, "Am I just lazy?"  But then I remember my life is so very, very abnormal.  Regular motherhood is stressful and overwhelming at times, no matter how rewarding.  Being a constant caregiver magnifies everything by a hundred.  I don't start projects because I know I won't be able to finish them.  Today was a perfect example.  I could have done so much, but Caroline's needs got in the way.  I know it won't always be like this.  It is what it is.  My third child ask me why I am so tired all the time.  Well, I chalk it up to the emotional strain and the lack of consistent exercise, and whatever else.  Oh, and being 45.  Oh, and the antidepressants that I have to take or else I end up in a ball on the floor.  So I am soporific but sane.   But today is a beautiful day, quiet and sunny.  So at least I can enjoy this day that God has made.   And I am.