I stopped blogging, but here is why...

Many have reached out and wondered why I stopped blogging.  The truth is she is doing SO WELL! At 21, she is attending community college, applying to Physical Therapy Assistant School, and running marathons.  She makes her own psychotherapy and psychiatry appointments, refills her meds on her own, takes them regularly and self-monitors like a champ.  She lives at home but will likely move into her own apartment this summer.  She started her own dog sitting business and works part-time at an optometrist office and even does the initial patient exams.  We NEVER thought she would ever be able to do these things.  The key to her success is that she went to Meridell Achievement Center years ago where they got her on the right med mix (still 7 different meds!) and has always gone to counseling faithfully.  And the biggest thanks goes to God who has been the One she still credits with her turnaround when she was 13 and went to five months in the best residential treatment facility we could find.

My advice:  NEVER give up finding the best providers for your child.  DON'T rely on the public school alone to give your child what they need.  You need the SUPPORT systems for the whole family that you need to FIND and KEEP, whether online through the parent groujps on the  Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance www.dbsalliance.org or in the nearest city if it has better providers.  We drove an hour and a half away for a time to get our daughter what she needed.  Take care of your own needs and those of the siblings who should all be counseling as well.  PRAY hard and ask for help.   Also don't be AFRAID to medicate.  Really.  I'll say it again.  DON'T BE AFRAID TO MEDICATE.  Medications have SAVED her life.  She was not functional before we found the right mix and yes it is A LOT.  Some kids have severe bipolar disorder.  Don't think that the just-do-essential-oil-and-all-natural-remedies approach is going to work for MOST bipolar kids.  I'm shooting straight here because I get so tired of parents telling me that their kid is a mess and they don't want to medicate.  Really?  So you would rather they suffer?  And not have a life?  Get over it!!! Loving your child isn't hoping for the best while denying them what they need.

God is good.  Trust Him, take care of yourself, and never give up.  Intervene early.  Stay connected even if it is just online.

Blessings, Megan

She graduated from High School!!!!

The day arrived and she did it!  She walked across that stage and took her hard-earned diploma today.  Praise God!  There were many times we weren't sure how she would finish high school, but she kept plugging along, and with the help of fabulous teachers, psychologists, psychiatrists, mentors, and God himself,  she reached her goal.  We are so proud of her!   Time to celebrate!

Meridell and How Do You Know it is Time to Seek Residential Treatment?

I get this question a lot, and I thought I would just answer it right here.   If your child has been hospitalized several times without good effect, if the right med mix seemingly can't be found outpatient, if they are a consistent danger to themselves or you or their siblings, if they have given up hope that they can ever be anything but a failure in relationships, in school and at home, don't hesitate to consider residential treatment.  This is a last resort, but it shouldn't be out of the question.  To do nothing but what you have been doing without good lasting results is foolish.

That being said, do your homework.  There are great residential centers and some poor ones.  The poor ones would be worse than not going.  Find the best you can afford.  We choose Meridell because of its reputation.  We didn't live anywhere near Texas, but it was worth it.    I would take out a second mortgage if I had to.  The experience changed our daughter's life for the good, and she is still grateful she went.  

I think the key test is if the stress level is so great at home that everyone's mental health is seriously affected, you need to look at residential, to give your child real hope and to give yourself a much needed break.

Needs a Job after Graduation

So the summer is almost upon us and high school is almost done, forever!  Caroline needs a job and so if you are a praying person, pray that just the right one will come her way, preferably sports-related.  Just found out the district will most likely pay for her final year of enrollment at the technical college to become a personal trainer for next year.  Unbelievable!  Our school district rocks!!  On another note, I am beginning classes to become a real estate broker.  I had been looking a various career options now that she is stable and nearly out of school and after a lot of prayer and thought, I am embarking on this new phase of life.  Freedom!  Excited and scared to death at the same time.  I haven't been able to work outside of the home for any significant amount of time since she was diagnosed twelve years ago.  But being at home with her was important and worth it.  Not sure she would be where she is without the constant presence I was able to provide.  Many parents out there aren't so fortunate, I know.

Trying Gluten Free for Migraines

With a big uptick in daily migraines, we are looking for every possible cause.  On her own, she decided to try going gluten free for a while to see if this will make a difference.  I had to eliminate gluten and dairy two years ago and found that my digestive issues miraculously disappeared, but not the migraines.  Mine are definitely weather related.  Hers seems to be weather and who knows what.  We watched her get a sudden migraine right after finishing her birthday dinner at a restaurant on Saturday, so the food connection seems plausible.  Might be time to get a complete sensitivity test done.

Headaches and Scrolling Vision

There has been an unfortunate increase in these episodes of headaches and scrolling vision.  She is tearful and frustrated because of how much they have been interfering with her school life recently.  She was diagnosed with hypothyroidism a few months ago and we have had to make some adjustments after the addition of the synthroid.   We first had to increase the Lamictal by 25 mgs for some mania but this may have precipitated the headaches. So we go back to the doc as soon as possible so we can come up with a solution.  Maybe we need to get her into a neurologist.  

Lacrosse Replaced by Marathon Training

So Caroline has hung up her lacrosse sticks for good after a disappointing experience on her high school team the last two seasons.  Basically, the coach wouldn't play her during the games more than a few minutes.  This is the girl that has been pursued by college recruiters.  I think it was discriminatory based on her bipolar diagnosis and on her previous concussions her freshman year.  She did play last summer on a travel team, and was always a starter and got lots of play time, so the issue was definitely with this coach.

The good news is Caroline loves to run and started training for her first marathon last summer, and finished the Denver Rock N' Roll in October.  Now she is training for her next marathon in Utah.  Yes, this child of mine is remarkable considering the myriad of obstacles she has had to overcome since she was first diagnosed at the age of seven.  She turns nineteen this week.  We can hardly believe she is on her way to adulthood.  When we think of the many years of complete despair and difficulty, this is a miracle indeed.  Gratefulness overwhelms us.

Another positive development has been her relationship with her oldest sister.  Caroline has longed for reconciliation and wrote a letter to her last fall asking for forgiveness for the many events that unfolded while she was unstable.  Elizabeth, much to our surprise, embraced her sister's conciliatory note wholeheartedly, even getting a tattoo on her foot in Hannah's bold signature (not so excited about tattoos but nonetheless we are delighted.)

God is good.

The Light at the End of a Very Long Tunnel

We are almost there.  She is going to graduate from high school in a few months.  We truly were not sure if we would ever get this far.  Life is peaceful, normal, predictable.  I wish that each of you would get to experience a place like this.    There were many times we wondered if she would have long term stability and be able to finish school so well.  But she has.  She is still doing the online high school but she is also dual enrolled at a local technical school to become a personal trainer.  Excelling would be the word.  She still struggles with friendships as I think she has a high level of fear and trust issues.   But she is hopeful and positive, and moving forward with life.  She fills up her own med box, makes her own psychiatry and psychologist appointments, drives herself everywhere she needs to go, and wants to fly the nest soon.  We have told her she needs to live with us for another year and have a job before she can move out (obviously) but she plans meals, shops for groceries, and cooks for us frequently.  What more could we ask?  To God be the Glory, Great Things He Has Done!

Steroids, Antibiotics and Bipolar Disorder

I just wanted to post a quick note that we have seen Caroline react to both steroids and antibiotics in a negative way, usually with mania.  This phenomenon has been noted by other parents of bipolar kids on the Balanced Mind chat room.   Obviously if a kid needs steroids or antibiotics, they need them and you just have to watch them carefully or add more of the mood stabilizers to the mix, per your doc of course.  With all the illnesses going around, this is probably an issue for many out there.

Haven't Written in Forever, Here's Why

I have discovered that when things are going really, really well, I don't want to come here.  I started writing this blog when things were almost at their worst.  There had been the very worst in the prior years, which, if you have read any of this blog, is probably hard to fathom.  But I associate this blog with hard, hard, dark places.  We have had many victories, large and small, but for many years, I would write and sob.  I am sure you know what I mean if you have a bipolar child.

So since this summer, since Caroline started the online public high school through our district, she has been doing so well.  This seems to be the right fit for right now, and likely through the end of high school.  She is a junior now and we are looking at the possibilities after high school, which at this point are 1. going to be close to home and 2. don't involve college lacrosse.  The first is our stipulation, the second was her recent decision.  She is so mature for her age.  She doesn't want to risk another concussion and thereby risk her future schooling and career.  Wow, she amazes us with her insight into herself.

She wants to be a physical therapy assistant.  There is a two year program not too far away.  She could live at home and drive there every day and work as well.  We just want to be sure she can manage college classes and managing her meds and moods.  Then she could move out and either continue in a four year college or just start working.

We have had to make some minor med adjustments, but nothing big.  The same med mix she has been on for almost six years has been the right cocktail apparently.    This is HUGE as a factor in her success in school.

We did find out she is very allergic to sulfa drugs and ended up in the hospital for a few days after the start of a bad reaction to Bactrim.  They put her on steroids which led to mania, which we nipped in the bud as we were looking for it.  Praise God for the experiences of the past!

One very cool thing is that Caroline has become quite the long distance runner, which is great for her moods.  She will play lacrosse in the spring, but running provides a nice pre-season workout and will be a good future alternative.  She runs four to eight miles during her weekday runs, and up to twelve on Saturdays.  Yeah, twelve!

So all is good.  I know things could change.  They could change tomorrow.  So we are thankful for today.  And for the last six months.  I pray that your child will find the same stability soon.

Scrolling Vision Issue Solved?

Well, we tried a reduction in the Trileptal, which was at 1800 mgs since Meridell.  She is now on 1500 mgs, and guess what?  No episodes of scrolling vision!!  This has been true for the last four weeks.  So maybe the scrolling vision had nothing to do with the concussions!   If that is so, then so much of the issues she had in school last year might have been avoided, but we are still more satisfied with the online high school option.  And this makes the whole lacrosse/concussion issue look less concerning.  Not completely, but a little less.   Her moods haven't changed with the reduction either, thank goodness!  

College Lacrosse or No?

Such a big decision. Do we allow her to go on the recruiting circuit, with coaches contacting her from around the country, or do we put this dream to rest, as an impractical one.  Being bipolar is hard, very hard.  Life is ten times more challenging.  College will be very challenging.  Playing lacrosse plus college, maybe far too much.  As a junior, life moves very quickly through the end of high school.  She still has the SATs, the ACTS, college visits, applications, and so much more.   Yet her dream of playing college lacrosse has been what has kept her marching on despite everything.  I am not sure what would happen if that dream dies.  Praying for wisdom.

Huge Milestone: Five Years Without a Hospitalization!!

We have now gone five years without a single psychiatric hospitalization since her three and a half month stay at Meridell Achievement Center in Liberty Hill, TX, where she received intensive residential treatment.  There the doctors were able to find just the right medication mix, which she has been on since then with just a few tweaks here and there and the addition of Lamictal.  Very few bipolar teens have gone so long without a stay in acute care.   Prior to going to Meridell, she had many, many hospitalizations.  I just can't say enough about this place.  Please don't hesitate to look into long-term residential treatment at the right place if you can't achieve stability for your  child through what is available locally.  We travelled across the country to get her the best care we could find.   Sometimes you have to do things you never thought you would do.  But joy comes in the morning so to speak.  We don't regret sending her away and neither does she.  But don't just look for a place that focuses on behavioral therapy and downplays the role of medication.  If your child is truly bipolar or schizophrenic or seriously depressed, behavioral therapy alone can't fix this.  You will just be putting a band aid on a much bigger problem.  The behavioral aspect can't be truly addressed if they are not on the right medications.  We have had far, far fewer behavioral issues to deal with once Caroline was put on the right mix of meds.  Academic problems, yes, but now major behavioral problems.  There is hope!

Online High School

So far, with one week into the experiment with the online high school offered through our school district, the verdict is a good one.  Caroline loves it.  She is still having trouble with math, but that isn't anything new.  The good news is that she can go to the district offices (two blocks from our house) where the online high school teachers have office space and get help one-on-one whenever she needs it.  Couldn't get better than this!  Most of the classes have weekly assignment deadlines, so she can decide on a daily basis which subjects to do first.  She could finish everything by Friday if she wanted to so that she has the weekend sans homework.  I really, really hope this works.  She can still participate in lacrosse with the local high school too.  And she has daily discussions about the subject material with the other teens who are enrolled in the online school.  We are so grateful to be in a school district with this kind of option.  The program seems quite organized and well-run.  As the semester progresses, we will see if this turns out as we all hoped.

Summer is Almost Over, School is Looming

Everyone starts school next week.  We are still trying to work out the kinks with the Online High School.  Because they are not offering Spanish or Chemistry online, she will have to take these two classes at the high school.  This wasn't anticipated so we have to help Caroline accept that she won't be able to do everything online like she wanted to.  We have two meetings tomorrow to sort out the details.  Hopefully we can get the classes at the times she needs.

I am weary.  Summer has its unique challenges.  I think overall it has gone very well.  No big crises.  I am trying to find out about fall lacrosse opportunities.  Got to keep her in the loop socially and athletically.

 I am tired.  Why I thought i would get anything done over the summer is puzzling.   My house is a wreck, half-painted, boxes half-emptied, laundry backed up.  We did a lot of traveling this summer, and my kids did too (camps, etc.)   So, maybe the fall will be better than last fall as far as a little time to breathe.   I always hope for this, and it usually doesn't work out.   Oh well.  But I am counting down the years left til graduation, just two more!  I love her to death, but it would be nice to be done with high school!!

Her more recent thyroid test did come back low.  I am hoping to get her on some thyroid medication because she is one sleepy girl.  All day, kind of comatose.  She sleeps way too much.

Speaking of sleepy, I am heading to bed.  Goodnight!!

Sorry for the Lack of Posts

Not really any particular reason.  Summer busy-ness I guess.  All is ok.  I don't think I can ever say great, right?  We are just kind of bumping along.  Caroline is taking summer school Geometry which isn't going that well.  She loves her new teacher, but the class is only three weeks long for one semester of Geometry, and it is too fast for her.  She might be retaking it again in the fall.

I think we are 99.9% sure we are homeschooling next year, using the district's online high school.  She was so stressed out last year, and so were we.  Wasn't worth it.  And she had seriously the best IEP team in the country I would vouch.  But a big public high school wasn't the right fit, and the small self-contained special ed classroom would not have been the right fit either as the kids were pretty intellectually challenged.   She is entirely relieved.  I worry about her taking the SATs next year, but we will be enlisting a tutor beginning in August.

Medically she started running a little "high," which looks like obsessiveness for her, so she is taking a bit more lithium.  But she is also going to be going on thyroid medication as she is clinically low (probably caused by the lithium,) which accounts for the low energy and sleepiness she has experienced all year.

She has played some summer lacrosse, but not much at all compared to usual.  Her knee is nearly 100% better following surgery.  There is a fall league she might join up in Denver.  I know she is longing to really scrimmage.

I hope your summer is going ok.  Summer can be hard, or really good, it would seem.  Caroline often does best in the summer.  Maybe it is the lack of school stress, or the sunny days.  I too do better with lots of sun.  That is one of the reasons we jumped at the chance to move to Colorado.  Despite the cold, it is sunny most of the time.

Talk to you soon!

Not Going to Camp

Caroline took the news about her not going to the camp in Canada really well.  She was relieved actually.  Between the knee surgery and her need for sleep, she was worried that things would go wrong.  We have come up with an alternate plan, which involves the beach, which she is very happy about.  So even though we are losing some money, the peace of mind we have now is worth it.

This is the last week of school.  She is being exempted from her English and Biology final exams.  She has only a big history project to turn in, and a few English assignments and she is done.  I am feeling myself relaxing already.  Like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders now that school is almost done.  Still don't know what we are doing next year.  We need some time to think and pray about it.

The Big "Where Should She Go to School" Decision, Again

Once again, we are not sure where Caroline should go to school next year.  The big public high school hasn't been that great, even with a well-followed IEP.  She is begging me to home school her, but I don't know that I want to.  The other options are the online high school for this district, an alternative school around the corner, or a private, smaller school, likely Christian.  Just praying for direction and wisdom.  This is one of the hardest parts of raising a bp kid, the whole educational aspect.  Nothing seems to be a perfect fit, and sometimes not even a good fit.    I want to do what is best for her academically and socially, but I want it to be best for me too.

Another Crisis, Another Day

This kid is amazingly accident prone!  Two weeks ago she did something to her knee in lacrosse practice, resulting in severe pain and a trip to the ER.  She was given Norco, and a heavy duty knee brace and we waited to get in with the orthopedic doc.  Got the MRI, saw the doc and he says that she nearly dislocated her knee cap, and in doing so, broke off a piece of cartilage under her knee cap, which then moved into her knee joint, causing the severe pain.  She has to have it removed to avoid further damage to her joint.  So she has surgery scheduled May 17th.  In the meantime, she has been home from school while on the narcotic pain meds, and receiving home bound tutoring again, which she hates.  School ends May 24th, and once again she is behind.  She went back to school this morning because the is OK without the heavy duty pain meds and can get by on Tylenol.  

In the midst of this, we have decided not to let her go to the camp in Canada in three weeks that she has been looking forward to all year.  There are just too many risks, especially with her knee, so soon after surgery.  And we realized that in order to get to the camp, she has to be up all night on a red-eye flight, changing planes in the middle of the night, and then transferring to a bus in the middle of the night to connect to a ferry.  Going without sleep is a sure recipe for mania.  That would be a horrible start to a week of camp. She is going to hate us.  But we just can't let her do this.  We are going to come up with an alternate vacation, maybe to a beach.  This year has been such a bummer.   If I could afford to take her to Hawaii, I would, seriously.  She deserves it.

Feeling Like a Failure

Do you ever feel like a failure as a mom?  I am struggling with those feelings this week.  I have been sick for 10 days, and sick enough that I have spent a lot of time in bed, doing nothing, or sitting in front of the T.V. doing nothing.  The house is a mess, the laundry backed up, the fridge was beginning to stink, my papers had exploded everywhere in the kitchen because I started a project and then got sick and couldn't finish.  My kids are frustrated with the mess, even though they help to create it, but my husband is a gem.  I am so glad the kids do their own laundry.  At least that isn't my responsibility. And I did get Caroline to thoroughly clean her room this weekend, which was huge as her room looked like a bomb had gone off in it.

But I think my struggle is deeper than the chaos of the last 10 days.  I sense a lot of disappointment from my younger two, over a lot of things.  Some of it is false expectations that they need to get over, some is legitimate over having a bipolar sister who takes so much attention, but some of it is disappointment with me as their mom.  I haven't always kept my promises.  I have made promises I never should have made.  I have been too harsh at times, and not strict enough at others.  I really wished for the perfect home life for my kids.  And of course perfection is a myth, but I find myself still longing for something I can't have.  

I am thankful that I know God is faithful, when we are faithless.   I know the truth, it is just that sometimes my feelings loom larger.  I just want to be over being sick, and I want to get through the paperwork involved in buying this house we are renting, oh, and doing our taxes, and getting organized enough before school gets out May 28th that the summer won't feel so overwhelming.  

At least Caroline is stable.  I have to say that every day to remind myself of all the blessings that come out of that one thing.