No Shame

A dear friend recently reminded me of the fact that we must actively reject shame when we have a child who doesn't "fit" in with the world.  We have to look shame in the eye and tell it good riddance.  We must resist shame with truth.  There is no other way to deal with shame effectively.  Guilt is specific, related to specific acts and can be dealt with through confession, repentance, restitution, and true remorse.  But shame is this horrible, nebulous cloud that colors our world with gray uncertainty.  Shame makes us hide, hide our children and hide ourselves.  We hide from neighbors, our closest friends, our church, and our schools when shame dominates our thinking.  I know this ugly foe too well.  I am afraid I struggle with passing shame onto my kids at times.  Shames strangles relationships.  The antidote to shame is always the bright sunlight of truth.  The truth is that our children are gifts from God, each uniquely gifted.  They are not mistakes.  If they have a brain disorder, it isn't your fault.  Even genetics are trumped by the truth that God is still sovereign, in my opinion.  I believe this with every ounce of my being.  When we are given a child with special needs, we are given the gift of empathy and compassion.  I am the most judgemental person in the world, so it is no accident that God gave me a child through whom I have had to develop tremendous patience and long-suffering.  And we must not forget that these beautiful kids suffer more than we do.  They are the ones who experience the misunderstanding and rejection.  They are the ones who have to rise above their limitations to succeed in life far more than we.   I see them as very dear to God.  I get mad when some of their parents don't go the extra mile to help them because they themselves are living in shame and "hiding" from the truth.  I understand that temptation, but when we step into the light and accept that our child needs far more help than we alone can give them, then we are truly loving our child in the fullest sense.  It is no accident that Caroline is doing as well as she is: a loving God is watching out for her, and we as her parents have tried to do everything in our power to help her, doing whatever it takes to give her the tools to succeed in life, even if the cost to us is great, both financially and physically. We haven't done this perfectly by any means, we have failed many times.  But when you are committed to being your child's advocate in every arena, you know that you can be free of shame and guilt and leave the results to God.