About our Daughter

I am mother to four wonderful daughters, ages 17, 19, 21, and 23, and wife to the greatest husband on earth. God has given us a special child to raise one who was diagnosed with early-onset bipolar disorder at the age of seven, though she showed signs of it from the age of fifteen months. She also has ADHD, Sensory Integration Disorder (sensory seeking), Dyslexia, and Non-Verbal Learning Disorder-NOS, all typical comorbidities for a bipolar child. In spite of the trials, she enjoys lacrosse, running (finished her first marathon in October of 2014!), and reading and writing her own books. I will share with you the many joys and sorrows we have faced and will face in the future with the hope that you may find better understanding about this mental illness caused by both chemical and structural abnormalities in the brain. I desire that you will be encouraged by this blog if you are also dealing with a bipolar child. Thank you for reading and sharing in our journey.

How Did You Know She Was Bipolar So Young?

I wrote a long explanation of how we came to this bipolar diagnosis in a child so young under my post of March 19th of 2009. If your child or a child you know bears similarities, please seek out a good psychiatrist and don't wait for "things to get better." Often they will simply get worse, and the longer a child is unmedicated, the more damage their brain can accrue. Early diagnoses and treatment are key to providing these children with a chance at a successful life later as a teen and an adult.
Never change, start or stop a medication without the approval of your child's physician!

Friday, March 13, 2009

Drivin' and Cryin'

That was the name of a band when I was in college.  That and 10,000 Maniacs.  Those names decribe what I feel about yesterday.  I so wish that I could be writing everyday, or at least everyday, about how much is going right for Caroline and all of us.  Some of you probably find this blog depressing.  I didn't plan it to be, but I do have a hard time seeing the silver linings right now.  This is just where we are at and so I write.

I actually did drive and cry for hours yesterday, at first stuffing the raw emotions down, almost rebelliously, not wanting to start talking to God because I was just too angry.  I wanted to be angry.  Finally, after the first hour or so, I said something to the effect of "I am so disagreeing with your plan right now."  After getting out to the countryside, I finally lost it, just sobbing angry hot tears, feeling that my heart was going to stop because of the intense pain within.  I told Him that my daughter suffers too much, this is the most unfair disease in the world, and that I felt desolate.  So tired of trying so many things to no effect.  Please stop this suffering and pain!

Several friends and a new one wrote words of encouragement to me yesterday, and I was touched and it made me realize that God is here wanting to comfort me even when I am in such a dark place.  I am going on a women's retreat this weekend, part of me doesn't want to go because I don't know if I really want to be around so many people.  But maybe that is just sinful wallowing in my pain, wanting to brood.  I am driving up with someone who makes me smile so that is a plus.  I think I look around at the large group every Sunday in the fellowship room and I feel so alone because even though I have so many good friends there, I carry this grief with me all of the time that will not go away.  One of our dear friends lost a newborn baby last year to a terrible genetic disorder, and I know that they will never forget, and never stop being sad about the child they loved so much.   I feel that I have been watching my previously happy daughter fade away for years and now is replaced by this tormented, suffering one, who will never be cured.  I lose her everyday.  I feel death every day.  I want to feel hope for the future, but I struggle to see it a lot now.    


Jennifer said...

I wish I could take away your agony. And Hannah's. It is really awful and I don't understand it either. I hope you know, because I've felt similar feelings about my child's condition, I do grasp some of the pain you are in and it is okay to feel that way. Don't let anyone say to you that it is wrong to feel/be angry at God. He can take it and He won't judge you on the emotions that HE enables us to feel in our circumstances. Being broken takes raw emotion, plain and simple. As long as you don't internalize it, it will enable God to work in your life. If you need to vent I am always here and I can take the bad and ugly stuff, no problem. Love you sister with all my heart!

domandkat said...

I think I'm gonna hafta start kidnapping YOU instead of your youngest daughter on Sunday afternoons every once in a while ;-)

The retreat will be difficult, but good - just as it always is. Maybe it will provide a bit of escape as well as provide you with a few more women to lean on through this impossible-without-God season, no, aspect of your life.

And remember, photos are only of the smiley bits of life. Blogs are our inner thoughts with a few photos put in on occasion.

I love you sister!