Drivin' and Cryin'

That was the name of a band when I was in college.  That and 10,000 Maniacs.  Those names decribe what I feel about yesterday.  I so wish that I could be writing everyday, or at least everyday, about how much is going right for Caroline and all of us.  Some of you probably find this blog depressing.  I didn't plan it to be, but I do have a hard time seeing the silver linings right now.  This is just where we are at and so I write.

I actually did drive and cry for hours yesterday, at first stuffing the raw emotions down, almost rebelliously, not wanting to start talking to God because I was just too angry.  I wanted to be angry.  Finally, after the first hour or so, I said something to the effect of "I am so disagreeing with your plan right now."  After getting out to the countryside, I finally lost it, just sobbing angry hot tears, feeling that my heart was going to stop because of the intense pain within.  I told Him that my daughter suffers too much, this is the most unfair disease in the world, and that I felt desolate.  So tired of trying so many things to no effect.  Please stop this suffering and pain!

Several friends and a new one wrote words of encouragement to me yesterday, and I was touched and it made me realize that God is here wanting to comfort me even when I am in such a dark place.  I am going on a women's retreat this weekend, part of me doesn't want to go because I don't know if I really want to be around so many people.  But maybe that is just sinful wallowing in my pain, wanting to brood.  I am driving up with someone who makes me smile so that is a plus.  I think I look around at the large group every Sunday in the fellowship room and I feel so alone because even though I have so many good friends there, I carry this grief with me all of the time that will not go away.  One of our dear friends lost a newborn baby last year to a terrible genetic disorder, and I know that they will never forget, and never stop being sad about the child they loved so much.   I feel that I have been watching my previously happy daughter fade away for years and now is replaced by this tormented, suffering one, who will never be cured.  I lose her everyday.  I feel death every day.  I want to feel hope for the future, but I struggle to see it a lot now.