Or maybe it was closer to 4:00 am. I am having more trouble sleeping lately because of my husband's unemployment situation, the big withdrawals from our 401K to pay the bills, and the prospect of moving all the way across country if this job materializes in CA. My husband and I are quite anxious about the near future, not that we are afraid to leap into a new experience, but just scared about the weightiness of all of these decisions and challenges.
But what I was musing about the most was the fact that I can be such a harsh judge of people. I have been frustrated with the lack of response to my request for help with Caroline, but really, when I think about it, I often see rejection where there isn't any. Instead of assuming the best in people, I assume the worst, very frequently. I project onto others my own insecurities surrounding my bipolar daughter and think that everyone is judging me or my child. Funny how we do this. I realized I just need to let go of assumption and anger, and instead embrace grace and forgiveness. I wonder how many friends I have pushed away because I either project genuine need and they are made uncomfortable by that, or have I have pushed them away because they sense I am judging them if they don't come to my aid. Probably there exists a bit of both.
The thought of being in need or looking like I am in need is actually abhorrent to me. I resist asking for help until I am undone. I want to be superwoman and do it all by myself. I want to be perceived as competent and in control. The people who know me best know this. I don't want to be needy or to project neediness. Only on this blog do I express my heartfelt needs without fear of what others think. I am actually quite fearful of what my friends think. I know I am because of how insecure I often feel around them. Isn't that weird? The people we should feel the most relaxed around are often the ones who unearth the most unease in us, that they will see our flaws and reject us.
But God never rejects us. He sees our flaws, our insecurities, our anger and unforgiveness, and He still opens His arms to us ready to embrace and forgive and accept. I need to be reminded of this daily.
Thank you for reading. You always encourage me with your own stories.
4 comments:
hugs. I hope everything works out.
I can understand what you are feeling so much. We too have been dealing with unemployment and mounting bills. Know that I am thinking of you and your family.
Thanks for posting so honestly. I completely understand, as I've isolated our little family bit by bit as things became more difficult. I hate asking for help and will go out of my way to avoid that.
Be good to yourself and try to keep perspective about all you've weathered so far.
(((hugs)))
I enjoy your blog. I am a single mother who is struggling with raising a bipolar son (14) alone. I love your attitude and cherish your reminders about God loving and accepting us just the way we are. Thanks for this.
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