Mired in the Mud

I am feeling like the psalmist who prayed that God would lift him out of the miry clay and to set his feet on the rock high above.  Truly this shall pass but the last few days have been so difficult.  I am struggling with depression in a big way.  I am yelling at my kids at the drop of a hat for no reason, possess no energy to do anything, just feeling irritable and sad about everything.  I think I need an increase in my antidepressant or something.  I made an appointment with a new psychiatrist as I am getting bad vibes about changes at our present psychiatrist's office.  This is actually not a "new" psych doc but an old one, the first one Caroline had when she was newly diagnosed.  We loved her but found her office staff to be incompetent (couldn't get emergency appointments, refills on time, etc.)  We are hoping this has changed for the better.  I need change, in so many ways.  I am longing for a new neighborhood, a new job for my husband, and a better church situation for Caroline.

We actually visited a new church today, finally, after talking about it for years.  Sometimes we can get stuck in the status quo, knowing something has to give, but lacking the will to make the changes necessary to make our lives or that of our kids better.  Stuck would definitely describe us these last few years in regards to our church.  We love our friends there and our pastoral staff, and especially our pastor's amazing preaching, but have felt that this church has never been a good fit for Caroline and thus not for us as well.  Nothing worse than fighting a Sunday morning battle every week with a kid who hates your church.  Change can be hard, very hard, but sitting in this other church today, with Caroline happy and smiling and declaring she had found her church at last, made the drive worth it.  I will do anything so that she would be drawn closer to God and develop a deeper faith in Him and His goodness toward her, and friendships at a great youth group.  Who knows, one day we may go back to our present church when Caroline is on her own and can drive herself where she feels like she fits in.  I think many of our friends will have a hard time with our decision to leave.  But we have to do what is best for our family.

On another subject, my husband's MRI came back that his tumor has not grown at all in six months, so that is good news.  But the neurologist wants Bill to stay on active duty for another year so he can follow this some more before letting him go.  My husband doesn't know if the doc's desires can be fulfilled by the Navy as far as more orders go, so this is the task at hand now, to find out if this will work at all by the end of July.  I would actually like him to continue active duty for another year because we are not in a good place financially at all with the eight months of unemployment this year. I am having panic attacks on a regular basis about finances.  We need time to catch our breath before being forced to try to find a civilian job again.  I am so weary of this season of life.  I just want to move ahead financially and for Caroline, academically, to get her going with high school at this private school and that she would succeed and maybe be able to stay there.  Enough with the ups and downs, God, I am tired!!!  I need a break!!! I feel like Job and I know Bill does too.  Too many trials, too many uncertainties, too much stress all the time.  I don't feel stronger at all, I feel beaten down and exhausted.  Kyrie Eleison.