All Quiet on the Home Front

I wish this feeling could last forever.  Everyone is so relaxed.  Bill is so much more relaxed.  I enjoy him more.  I feel like we are becoming a couple again.  We haven't restarted date nights yet, but we are laughing more, enjoying the beauty of summer in our backyard, without interruption by the whirlwind of drama that is our second daughter.  If our last conversation with her on Saturday night hadn't been so positive, I am sure I would be feeling guiltier for enjoying our family life right now.  She sounded again quite positive and so normal. Such a change in her voice, how she intonates and the speed at which she talks, not driven, but relaxed. Her roommate situation seems ok right now.  The first day the pool opened she couldn't go because a big thunderstorm rolled in.  Bummer.  Hopefully that won't last the whole weekend.

I am still trying to nail down the child care for our trip to see her next weekend.  Some of it is settled, some not. I am nervous because we haven't been that far away from our kids in about 10 years.  Like other parents of bipolar or special needs kids, date nights and time away is very hard to come by, for lack of a sitter who can handle the difficult child.  Plus it is hard to relax when you know that things at home are probably rough going.  You keep waiting for that phone call, which inevitably comes.  I think our last night away was a year ago, and it was kind of disastrous due to a number of factors.  Not a weekend to remember.  We have a gift card to a really nice restaurant we need to use.  And now that the laundry and the ironing are all caught up with my new help, and my house is consistently clean and picked up with the maid service, I feel that I can focus on the important stuff, like relationships and organization, and family fun.  Oh, and getting our house on the market.  I don't think I will give up the maid or laundry help after we have moved.  I just feel so much less stressed out and heaven knows that a less stressed out mom makes for a happier family.  When mom is happy, everyone is happy, that's my motto.  

Enjoy Memorial Day!  I have a daddy to remember who is buried at Arlington Cemetery, and this year I think I will actually get to visit his grave with one of my daughters, none of whom have even been.  Sometimes I think of all that has transpired since he passed away when I was in college, and I think he just could never have imagined fifteen grandchildren, four with either aspergers, autism, or bipolar disorder, and a bunch with severe ADHD, so many trials, and yet so much blessing.  I wouldn't trade my family for anything.  God has brought beauty from ashes.  

We think this is helping...

Caroline sounded much better last night, far more positive.  She did get a carefully picked roommate because they had another admission, and she was concerned about that, mainly because she is worried that her sleep will get messed up, or she will wake her up accidentally. We didn't want her to have a roommate at all, but I am sure that the business office of these RTCs push for full occupancy.  We have been adamant that she and her roommate be closely watched at all times.  Caroline is too fragile to take another mishap very well.   

Her meds have been adjusted, with an increase in the new one, Amandatine, and a decrease in her anti-psychotic, Seroquel (which made her gain so much weight), and a splitting up of her Lamictal (mood stabilizer) into two doses.  She said she feels like she has a lot more self control since the Amantadine was introduced, especially as far as anger goes, but that her brain is foggier.  She tells us that she isn't getting the math help she needs somehow.  It sounds like they are just handing her worksheets.  One more thing to look into when we visit.  We called the unit nurse today and she said that Caroline had some difficult moments yesterday, being very defiant toward adults, especially the night nurse.  She has already told us she doesn't like this nurse at all, that she is harsh, but we don't know if this is true or just partly true, or if Caroline is misjudging her.  Always hard to tell.  

I am really enjoying all of this time to myself every day, catching up on laundry, organization, and hopefully starting to paint rooms this week.  I am not looking forward to giving this up again when Caroline comes home.  And there is always that shock of the first two weeks after school gets out for the summer.  Yay for the pool!  Hopefully Caroline will be in school all day when she comes home.  I'm thinking about using the fall to start my own Ebay business, selling classic children's books.  We'll see.  

Weird Ad

What Madrid has to do with bipolar disorder is anyone's guess.  I've been there, but that's about it.

Unsettling Phone Conference with RTC

This morning we had our weekly phone conference with Bill and I, Caroline, her psychologist at Meridell, and her new psychologist here (her therapist of seven years is on maternity leave). We were five minutes late to the meeting, and we had not met her new psychologist until this morning, so we had to do some getting-to-know-you time before we could talk to her psychologist at Meridell. Unfortunately, the Meridell tdoc (therapy doc) was on the line already and was kept waiting for about 10 minutes while we tried to cover some ground quickly with Caroline's tdoc here. When we finally picked up the phone, I thought that the Meridell psychologist sounded a little annoyed since we were fifteen minutes late starting the phone appointment. So we rushed through the initial update and questions we had, trying to give our psychologist here some talk time with the Meridell tdoc. It felt a little less friendly than the other times we had spoken with her. I explained to her Meridell therapist I wasn't fond of the points and rewards system they had there, because there can be a lot of frustration for those whose problems are still medication related. Maybe we sounded critical and that put her on edge. She brought Caroline in for a rushed talk with her. I could tell immediately that, compared to our last conversation, she was down and emotional. She sounded like she was tired and basically cried and complained about everything the whole time, about how she isn't getting outside time because the other girls vote on staying in the gym, or she can't watch her favorite TV shows on Sat. morning, because the majority want to watch something else, and how she is getting no alone time at all, having group therapy three times a day with major drama ensuing each tie that she just wants to avoid. We felt pained listening to her as she went into a downward spiral. Her Meridell tdoc tried to get her to problem solve on all of these issues right then, but Carolien was in the "tornado"we call it, and we knew that trying to get her to reason would be futile until she was calmer. So we asked to just let her vent, which did help. She needed to feel heard, not to be fixed.

After the conversation ended, Bill and I both wondered if we had put her in the right place. She is an introvert who truly needs down time, away from others, and they won't let her color in her room, which is very calming to her, only in the noisy great room, and won't let her go running around the campus when she needs to exercise. This is a girl for whom exercise is hugely therapeutic. So with no alone time and no running time, she is hurting. The other RTC in Georgia had many planned outdoor activities every week, like canoeing, exploring caves, fishing, track and field, hiking, and a great ropes course, and horses. Bill wanted Meridell because he was so impressed with the neuropsych stuff, but I was leaning toward Inner Harbour in Georgia because I thought it would be a better fit, and still had the neuro psych approach. We won't do a knee jerk reaction, but if the structure is working against her rather than for her, we may need to change course. We'll see. And sometimes it is hard to know if what she is telling us is 100% truth, or perhaps her skewed view of things, which looks like paranoia and "everyone hates me." When we see her in two weeks, I hope we will get a better feel for how she is doing there and if it is a good fit.

Overreaction Disorder

That's what I have, after years of parenting a bipolar kid.  Now that she is gone at the residential treatment center, I am seeing how much I overreact to everything.  Sort of a PTSD response.  When Caroline is here, everyone walks on eggshells.  We never know what might irritate her next, sending her into paroxysms of emotional turmoil.  So she is not here, but I find myself reacting much too strongly to every annoyance, every misbehavior, with over-the-top responses.  At least I can see it, really see it now.  And I hate it.  I think I had nightmares all night last night after having a bad evening with our youngest, who is severely ADHD, and highly gifted, and does everything in her power to avoid homework.  I lost it at her yesterday, got down on her level, and asked her (loudly) why she does this every night, does she enjoy the results, does she see how this ruins our evenings!?  But she overreacts to every irritation, and so does Jane and Elizabeth, and I see it in my husband as well.  I don't want to blame Caroline completely--we are all responsible for how we respond to the problems of life--but we are all so tightly wound up from years of Caroline's unpredictability, we just spin out emotionally without warning.  

I was getting my nails done the other day, and the manicurist kept telling me to relax my fingers because I was holding them so stiffly and  he was having trouble getting the job done.  I realized that I was also holding my breath, feeling that fight or flight tension that I have lived with for so long.  I hold my breath a lot, unconsciously.  Sometimes, to get out of this head to toe stiffness, I will start singing some musical number, full out, usually from Les Miserables or West Side Story, because you have to breathe and use your diaphram to have good control.  After a few minutes of this, I feel so much better.  I haven't found a better deep breathing technique that works for me.  So I'll sing on! 

Great Friend

I just wanted to post a note sent by a friend because it is probably the nicest letter of encouragement I have received in years.  She writes:  "You're a great mom.  A good mom feeds, clothes, and shelters her daughters.  A great mom is a parent and mother, always; isn't afraid of being unpopular, seeks help from experts when her own skills aren't enough, does the right thing, even when she's tired or doesn't feel like it, loves and cares for all of her daughters even when they (temporarily) say "I hate you!", gives herself a break to rest and rejuvenate, always shows a united from with great Dad.  You have our admiration and prayers..." Isn't that amazingly sweet?  She sent a note to Bill too, but I haven't read it.  I know that he took it with him on the day he had a meeting with our oldest's prom date to talk "man to man" about the evening.  I think he must have felt that the note was worth sharing with this young man as he considers his choices in life.  Her date told Elizabeth after the meeting, "Your dad is like the closest person to God I know."  Funny,  but we actually don't mind that he views him that way.  It's good to have a little fear of your girlfriend's dad in you--keeps you in line.  

Great Chat

Just talked to Caroline tonight and she sounded WONDERFUL!  She sounded so normal, just chipper and positive, and lots of good reports about school and her behavior.  I wanted to cry.  She said she is sleeping well now, and is reading her Bible a lot, remembering verses throughout the day, and stayed out of the drama during group therapy.  She said she remembered to use some of the skills that her psychologist taught her about when she is in a stressful situation, to first observe what is going on around her and try to stay neutral, rather than just reacting. That is a first.  She started the amantidine yesterday so maybe this is helping her to not just freak out but to think.  Sure hope so.  Can't wait to see her in two weeks!