The IEP is Working, So Far

I am glad to say that the IEP accommodations for Hannah seem to be working.  She may not be doing great but the accommodations for which we asked are being implemented.  Yesterday I contacted the Special Ed head (who has been truly wonderful) to tell her about how Hannah bombed the last geometry test because she was "off" and froze up at the beginning of the test and that we were asking the teacher for a retake.  She contacted him to make sure he would allow this.  He contacted us per our request and agreed she could retake it.   Whew!  He also said that she could have as much time as she wanted for tests, including the final next week, and she could take it in study hall if she wanted to.  So we are quite happy with this.  Now, whether she will do better on the retake or do ok on the final is not guaranteed.  There are so many factors that determine how she does:  are her meds right, did she get enough sleep, how will her short-term memory issues affect her recall??

So far she doesn't have any Ds of Fs for the semester.  We are praying that this will be true after the finals too.  Poor kid, she is so stressed out.  Life isn't fair to her, but life isn't fair really for most of us.  I tell her it could be so much worse.  I don't know if she believes me but it is true.

The "Alternative School"

There is a school here, a charter school, just around the corner from our house practically.  The mission of the school is to provide a positive learning environment for kids with learning differences.  The reputation of the school, as I have heard from other people, is that it is a "last resort" school for kids in danger of dropping out of high school.  It is very small and very structured.  I want to look into it and believe that it might be right for Caroline, but the kids look pretty emo if you know what I mean.  I don't want to make snap judgments, but we don't want her hanging out with the wrong crowd.  Sigh.  Nothing easy here.

Full Blown Panic Attack

Caroline had a major anxiety attack tonight over the coming finals in Geometry.  She apparently feels completely lost, despite the two to three times a week Mathnasium sessions.  She says that the teacher moves fast, he doesn't explain things well, he humiliates the kids who don't get it, etc.  I emailed him earlier today and the Special Ed head who wrote up her IEP to try to get to the bottom of these complaints.  She thinks she bombed a test today after freezing in the beginning.  Now she is worried she will fail the finals and her hopes of playing lacrosse on a high school team as she has dreamed will be lost.  We are pretty worried about this too, only because the hope of playing lacrosse is what has kept her striving academically.   There isn't much else in her life that is positive.  Tonight she was getting so worked up, crying, angry, freaking out.  Not a pretty scene.  She says her short term memory issues stem from the concussions.   I don't know that the concussions are the main problem so much as the meds that slow down her thoughts.  

This whole fall foray into public school has given me a new understanding for the first time why sports might be truly advantageous to disadvantaged youth or to the child who isn't a genius.  I never really got this before.  When a child has very little in their lives that seems good and positive, playing on a team and being successful there might be the only incentive for trying harder in the classroom.  Having a gifted athlete who struggles so much academically,  I now see why one cannot just dismiss an obsession with a sport as superfluous or even a waste of time.   But the academics have to be there.  We are doing everything in our power to help her get there, including hiring a Biology tutor, and now a private Geometry teacher.   I am praying she can hold onto her grades so she can pursue her dreams.

Discouraged and Lonely

Caroline is encountering the problem she always has: lack of friendships.  She struggles to make and keep friends and always has.  This new school experience is no exception.  She says she cries herself to sleep each night because she is so lonely.  As a parent, this is just heartbreaking to hear.  Not sure what to do, but we will be looking at various options.  The church youth group isn't turning out to be what she had hoped.  And her younger sister seems to be thriving in the same youth group and at the same school.   We still might look at smaller schools.  So hard to know what is best!  She really wants to "fit in" but just doesn't have the social skills to do so and doesn't want to really.  She wants friends who are like her, not like the popular kids.  And the academic side is definitely a big struggle.  I am as discouraged as she is right now.

Choosing to Be Thankful When You are Not

This can be a really, really hard time of the year. If your child is unstable, trying to enjoy Thanksgiving and the ensuing holidays can be a nightmare, or at least very disappointing.  Caroline is stable this week so I am not worried about her.  But my heart goes out to those of you who are in a different situation.  We have had Thanksgivings where she was hospitalized or when she was home and life was hard and chaotic.  How can one be thankful when everything is crumbling?

I think in those times you have to get down the deepest things, the things that are true regardless of your circumstances:  God is still good, He still loves you and your child, He has plans that are bigger and more complex than we can understand right now, and all is not lost because of this illness.  Be thankful for the small things:  the roof over your head, food on the table, that one friend who hasn't abandoned you, that one family member who "gets" it, the beauty of the fall.

We all screw up, we all say things we shouldn't say and do things we shouldn't do.  Sometimes our emotions get the best of us.  But we can ask for forgiveness. We can forgive.  We can start over.   His mercies are new every morning. Lamentations 3:22-23.  I think the writer would agree that they are new minute by minute.  So stop beating yourself up and start receiving grace.

What The?!?!

I am astounded tonight by something we just found out about the last lithium level that was done in October, the one that the nurse practitioner at the psychiatrist's office said was 1.6, or  "extremely high."  Well, this afternoon my husband picked up a hard copy from the lab of the October lithium level test and the most recent one done last week.  The October test says .9, well within the normal range!!  And last week's read .8!!  So, what in the world happened? How did the CNP get this lab result so wrong? Was she lying to us?  That would be crazy but we have thought she is weird enough that maybe that isn't so crazy.  So we had reduced her lithium by 150 mg, resulting in some instability, because we were given the wrong value for her lab???   I am calling the practice tomorrow to try to get some answers.  And I am calling the lab to double check.  We are trying to switch to a psychiatric practice an hour away in Denver anyway to try to find the top docs.  We have learned that driving an hour to get the best care is worth the drive.  The University of Colorado has a hospital there that seems to do a lot of research in psychiatry, and there is a fantastic Children's Hospital there with a psychiatry speciality as well.  Colorado Springs has a surprising lack of good resources it seems for adolescent psychiatry.  I am just so disappointed with this whole situation.  Poor Caroline.  I really hope that this whole roller coaster wasn't for nothing.  Her scrolling vision issue isn't completely gone, but better.  Now we are looking at getting her a Biology tutor because her teacher seems really dull and unhelpful.  Still considering looking around at the charter schools in town to see if any might be a good fit for her next year, or even this year.  As always, so many balls to juggle!

Destabilized

Well, just as we feared, the reduction in the lithium dosage has resulted in mania.  We are going to increase the Seroquel by another 50 mg per her doc, but I am wondering if increasing Lamictal would be a good alternative.  She is beside herself about the med changes and very worried her year at school is going to be irreparably damaged by all of this.  Big blow up tonight.  Oh joy.