Still in the Hospital

Caroline isn't doing so well with this kidney infection.  She has been on IV antibiotics for more than 24 hours but her pain is increasing.  She was writhing in pain and sobbing tonight, even though she was getting morphine every two hours.  They added in Ativan which has helped a little and Zofran for the nausea, but she is throwing up anyway.  Now Percocet is being added in too.  We are questioning the doctors about whether this is more than a kidney infection, maybe a kidney stone or an abscess or something else?  They will do more blood work, urine testing, and maybe a CAT scan tomorrow to see what might be going on.  It can't be all in her head,  I know she is in real pain because the worse the pain gets, the more her heart rate goes up and she breaks out in sweat, just dripping with it.  Watching her makes me go numb because I can't help her.  I hope they figure out what is going on soon because Caroline has suffered enough.

My husband and I are emotionally and physically exhausted.  I had a good heart-to-heart with some girlfriends in the hospital cafe.  I had been feeling very disconnected to them.  I poured it all out, about the isolation I was feeling, the sense of rejection, the loss of hope.  It was good to be understood, and to be challenged,  and to hear about a huge trial one of my friends is going through that is just as traumatic, if not more so.  We agreed that we needed to be intentional about getting together and not assuming that all is well, or that we don't need each other.  I assume a lot.  Maybe we all do.  We think someone is fine because we don't bother to ask the right questions.  Maybe we don't want to hear the answers.  I find it very difficult to reach out and say, "I need (fill in the blank)" because I am proud and do not want to be perceived as needy.

So I am all cried out today.  I anticipate being at the hospital all day tomorrow.  Thankfully the other kids are doing OK without much direction.